Never Have I Felt More Alone than I do Now.

I don't know why or when it started; but I've never felt more alone in my life than I do now. You may judge the quality of my life by all the things I have at only 23 years old. But the truth is, none of it ever really matters. None of it makes me any happier.

I live in a small studio apartment, alone. I drive to work everyday in my own car, alone. When I get to work, I talk to no one there and no one pays any attention to me. Therefore, I work, alone. On my commute back home, I stare out of the window of my car and gaze at everyone stuck in the traffic beside me. And I wonder, who are they going home to? Do they have anyone to go home to? Do they have anyone who cares if they make it home safe? Or do any of them share in my lonely existence and feel as alone as I do?

Coming home from work to an empty apartment is never a reassuring sight to me. In fact, the never fleeting feeling of how lonesome I am sinks in for me even deeper. And just then, a thought strolls into my head, "My life is a lonely existence".

Since I live alone, I get to spend a lot of quality time with myself. In reality, this time I do get to spend with myself, isn't so quality at all. I can remember all those nights I've spent sitting on my bed with my back against the wall, sitting in complete darkness. No, the lights aren't on nor is the TV. The emptiness the loneliness makes me feel, draws me into myself. Retraction makes me feel as though I'm safe and have someone to spend time with. Even if that person is just me. Eventually, the sadness that overcomes me will start to make its way into my eyes and come out in the form of tears. Nights like these, I tend to spend a lot of time crying. The worst part of it is, there is never anyone to console you because, well, I'm alone. The one desperate thing I want, a warm touch of another persons hand to assure me that everything will be fine. The soft, meaningful words of someone who cares about me, to help draw me out of this slump state. But no, all I can feel is the warmth of my forearms, folded one over the other as they lay over my knees; with my back against a cold, stiff, unforgiving wall. On nights like these, I like to believe it's only me coming face to face with my reality. A never ending existence where I yearn for the human touch. Yearn to be loved and held like those whom are stuck in traffic along side of me, but have someone to go home to.

#Loneliness #Alone